Walking Through Light

A Journey of Transforming Darkness Into Loving Light

Trust… trust who? Trust you? Trust me?

September 1, 2018 /

Trust... trust who? Trust you? Trust me?

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.”

– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Recently I’ve fallen in to a beautiful space of vulnerability… my space of trust. There were many instances in my life where I felt my trust in people was shattered. The biggest aspect of trust with someone so close to me that when that trust was ‘broken’ I felt I could never trust any other person again. Especially with that deepest most open part of myself… love.

I thought I got over it… I was mistaken. I was mistaken because this whole time I was placing all my trust, my power, to others and not to myself. When we place our trust in others what is it exactly we are saying? For me, it was “I am placing my trust in you because I don’t trust myself.” I was placing my trust of love to someone else for so long because I wasn’t trusting myself with my own love.” And when it was perceived that the love and trust was broken I felt I couldn’t trust anyone again.

Now, here in this space I am seeing so much more clearly. How very little I trusted myself to love myself so fully and wholly. In a space where I was asking myself to give my trust out to someone else it hit me like a load of bricks. Why am I asking myself to entrust the receipt of love to another being. Why am I not entrusting my own love fully and wholly to myself? Because I am afraid… I am afraid of an illusion. Afraid that my trust can be broken when in reality the only person that could ever break my trust, break my heart is myself. 

And how can I break my own heart? By giving my power away… giving it away by saying I don’t love myself enough that I am relying on you to love me to fill myself deeper and fuller than I am doing for myself. By doubting that my own love is abundant and strong enough to fill myself fully with it. By doubting that I am worthy and deserving of the deepest, purest most profound love in existence… my love. It’s so easy to give it away to others… why is it so challenging to give it myself as well?

But does our heart really break? Do people really hurt our feelings? I don’t feel that people can hurt our feelings… simply that we can allow ourself to perceive that our feelings can be hurt by what others are reflecting from within us. What is the breaking of a heart? Is it perhaps the hardened shell of self-destruction cracking and breaking away so we can bring in more self-love in to that space instead? 

How about when we perceive that we have a broken heart instead of trying to glue all the pieces back together again we help strip them away and let that love expand in to a newer, bigger, bolder and brighter space of pure divine love that we all are… a bigger more loving heart.

So what am I saying? I’m not saying “I trust you.” I’m saying “I trust me. I trust me enough to keep loving on myself. I trust me enough to observe my perception on the way others make me feel and honour that space of love and healing. I trust myself enough to always remember that you are on your own journey just as much as I am on my own and that nothing is ever personal. I’m saying I trust fully and wholly that all is exactly as it should be and that every moment is an opportunity to step deeper in to love and that I trust myself to keep stepping deeper and deeper in to this love. I trust in love and I trust in me.”

Confianza ... confiar con quién? Confía en ti, confía en mí?

 

Recientemente, entré en un hermoso espacio de vulnerabilidad … mi espacio de confianza. Hubo muchos casos en mi vida que sentí que mi confianza en las personas se hizo añicos. El mayor aspecto de confiar con alguien tan cercano a mí que cuando esa confianza se “rompió” sentí que nunca más podría confiar en otra persona … especialmente con la parte más profunda y abierta de mí … el amor.

Pensé que lo había superado … estaba equivocado. Estaba equivocado porque todo este tiempo estaba depositando toda mi confianza, mi poder en otros y no en mí mismo. Cuando confiamos en los demás, ¿qué es exactamente lo que estamos diciendo? Para mí, fue “estoy poniendo mi confianza en ti porque no confío en mí mismo”. Estaba depositando mi confianza en el amor a otra persona por tanto tiempo porque no estaba confiando en mi propio amor “. Y cuando se percibió que el amor y la confianza se rompieron. Sentí que no podía confiar en nadie de nuevo.

Ahora, aquí en este espacio, estoy viendo mucho más claramente. Que poco confiaba yo tengo de mi amor por mí mismo… por amore de mi mismo completamente. En un espacio donde me estaba pidiendo a mí mismo que le diera mi confianza a alguien más, me golpeó como una carga de ladrillos. Por qué me estoy pidiendo que confíe el recibo de amor a otro ser? Por qué no estoy confiando mi propio amor total y completamente a mí mismo? Porque tengo miedo … Tengo miedo de una ilusión. Temo que mi confianza se puede romper cuando en realidad la única persona que podría romper mi confianza, romper mi corazón soy yo mismo.

Y cómo puedo romper mi propio corazón? Le estoy perdiendo mi poder … regalándolo diciendo que no me amo lo suficiente como para confiar en que me ame para llenarme más profundo y más lleno de lo que estoy haciendo por mí mismo. Dudando de que mi propio amor sea abundante y lo suficientemente fuerte como para llenarlo por completo. Al dudar de que soy digno y merezco el amor más profundo, más puro y profundo que existe … mi amor. Es tan fácil dárselo a otros … por qué es tan desafiante dárselo yo también?

Pero, ¿nuestro corazón realmente se rompe? La gente realmente lastima nuestros sentimientos? No creo que las personas puedan herir nuestros sentimientos … simplemente que podemos permitirnos percibir que nuestros sentimientos pueden verse afectados por lo que otros están reflejando desde nuestro interior. Qué es la ruptura de un corazón? Es acaso la cáscara endurecida de la autodestrucción que se quiebra y se quiebra para que podamos traer más amor propio a ese espacio?

Qué tal cuando percibimos que tenemos un corazón roto en lugar de intentar unir todas las piezas nuevamente, ayudamos a despojarlas y dejar que ese amor se expanda a un espacio más nuevo, más grande, más audaz y más brillante de amor divino puro que todos son … un corazón más grande y amoroso.

Entonces, qué estoy diciendo? No estoy diciendo “Confío en ti”. Estoy diciendo “Confío en mí”. Confío en mí lo suficiente para seguir amando a mí mismo. Confío en mí lo suficiente como para observar mi percepción sobre la forma en que otros me hacen sentir y honrar ese espacio de amor y curación. Confío en mí mismo lo suficiente como para recordar siempre que estás en tu propio viaje tanto como yo solo y que nada es nunca personal. Estoy diciendo que confío total y completamente en que todo es exactamente como debe ser y que cada momento es una oportunidad para adentrarme más profundamente en el amor y que confío en mí mismo para seguir adentrándome más y más en este amor. Confío en el amor y confío en mí .”

 

It’s just one of those days…

August 24, 2018 /

It's just one of those days...

It was “One of those mornings…” that’s how I used to let my day be dominated and ruled. It’s easy, too easy, to let the energy and emotions of the moment swallow and dictate the flow of your being throughout the day. However, with our awareness of our presence in the moment and our awareness to our choice we can choose to honour and respect what and how we are feeling NOW and choose the direction of perspective we would like to move in to.

Since stepping back in to the western world from the jungle it’s been a challenge integrating into the shift in energy density. Last night I was energetically and physically at my limit. As I woke up this morning I started getting stuff done and when I had a moment to sit back and breathe it all came up. I stepped out of my space, grabbed a coffee and as I looked at my cup I asked myself “WTF is going on here?!?!” 😂 and then I chose… I chose to look and feel in to what’s going on with curiosity opposed to feeling an overwhelmed victim. I had been so overwhelmed by the whirlwind of these foreign energies and the desire to thrive in this environment that I lost my focus… my focus on trusting that all is exactly as I need to further expand and to receive all that’s coming my way with love. I am choosing to greet these moments with love and this Day is now “One of those days full of LOVE.”

“Es una de esas mañanas…” que es como yo solía dejar que mi día de ser dominados y gobernados. Es fácil, muy fácil, para permitir la energías y la emociónes del momento dictar to flujo por el día. Pero, con tu conciencia en el momento presente y conciencia de tu elección podemos aceptar y respetar a qué y cómo se están sintiendo ahora y elija la dirección de la perspectiva nos gustaría trasladar.

Ahora es un semana desde salí de la selva. Y mi tiempo estan un poco desafiante para aclimar con los energies de la ciudad. En la mañana cuando tomar mi cafe me miro y pregunto “Que hace aqui?” Me decidí a mirar con curiosidad y no el miedo o la frustración. Yo perdido mi focus. Mi enfoque en que todo es exactamente como debe ser y continuar confiando en mi amor y el universo. La verdad que todo esto es por mi mayor bien. Ahora yo abrir mis brazos para recibir todo con amor y mi dia ha cambiado. Ahora es un dia llena de amor!

Black and White… Encompassing the full spectrum of color.

August 24, 2018 /

Black and White... Encompassing the full
spectrum of color.

B&W Full Colour

“It is because within the darkness of the night I am the love that lifts the veil of illusion with my light.”

It’s been a Black & White type of day…

Though the images are in black and white I’m seeing and feeling in so much color. How could I not when I’m encompassing both ends of the spectrum? How could I not when I’m living in so much love!

It is because within the darkness of the night I am the love that lifts the veil of illusion with my light.

There is beauty in the dark just as unequivocally as there is beauty in the light. When both worlds come together as ONE there is no segregation, but the divinity of union within.

Este ha sido un día de oscuridad y luz. Las fotos son blanco y negro, pero veo y siento con mucho más color. Por qué no, cuando estoy viviendo en los dos lados? Por qué no, mientras que estoy viviendo en tanto amor?

Es por que en la oscuridad de la noche, yo soy el amor que levanta el velo de la ilusión con mi luz.

La oscuridad es hermosa como la belleza de la luz. Cuando los dos mundos se juntan como uno no hay segregación, pero la divinidad de unión dentro.

Recalibrating Humanity

March 18, 2018 /

Greetings beautiful ones!

I had the divine pleasure and privilege of participating in my first group shamanic journey where we all journeyed together for a common purpose… to bring back information to share with the collective on how Humanity as a whole can recalibrate in to comfort, balance and harmony. Once our journey was complete we shared our messages, many of which overlapped significantly, and our chief compiled one message collectively to share with ALL.

With much love and gratitude I share our collective message with you below.

How Does Humanity Recalibrate into Comfort, Balance and Harmony?

Choice. Intention. Awareness. Mindfulness.

We have the clear choice of what we bring into our lives. Awareness begins within each of us. It must be our intention to respond to all things from a place of love.

Our inner world creates our outer world and ripples out to the whole. Be mindful of the Water. It carries the vibration of Life.
This is not the only World, the Universe IS in harmony. We need to think bigger. This world began in disharmony as we evolved differently through our DNA patterning. Don’t be so serious, each generation brings change.

We are in a state of transmutation since the beginning of evolution. We have forgotten our true essence by serving the wrong thing.

Protect each other. Rest. Focus on purpose. Never lose connection. We are the demonstration.

We are doing the work through our life lessons and experiences. We are creating the ripple in every action. Be aware. Be cognizant of all words, actions, and thoughts. We each must be discerning of how we put our energies into the world.

Remember the child, be the child. Find the Joy. Decorate Mother Earth with her jewels of flowers and stones.

We are sound, vibration, and movement. Keep moving forward, we will find the answers in the children.

We must be mindful and discerning about who is teaching us. We re taught by example and we must be mindful about how the teachings come.

Individuation is a human creation. Our belief that we are separate created disharmony. It is a false reality of dis-ease.
Do what needs to be done with a joyful heart.
We are the One Spirit.”

~ The Buffalo Medicine Society ~ message from the other dimensions of Spirit Guides, Light Beings and Spirit allies to the world, brought back through collective shamanic journey.

(The Buffalo Medicine Society is a collective of Healers, Medicine People, Seers and Shamans who come together to facilitate their own growth and connection to the Divine)

Journey to Amazonia “Enter Mother Ayahuasca” Part 2

March 5, 2018 /

On a wet rainy day in March we arrive in Pucallpa, Peru ready to arrive at the healing retreat center. A beautiful nugget of paradise surrounded by jungle and loving faces. We met many of the other guests who already started to feel like a family. At the welcome meeting we all shared who we were, where we came from and why we were here.  Naturally, in the shame of the situation that I was living in I didn’t share my full truth as my partner was there as well. The vessel of my being was so full of this shame I honestly have no idea how I didn’t burst.

The second day came around, the ceremony day. A ‘thought’ streamed in through me during the day. As much as my intention was not to drink the thought said “Well, you’re here aren’t you? You’ve flown and traveled all this way, spent all this money. Why not just give it a go?” It was such a gentle and loving thought with curiosity flowing through it. So I decided I would give it a go. As I’d never worked with recreational drugs or psychedelics I really had no idea what to expect and as such I didn’t carry any fear or hesitation about going through this experience.

The ceremony time approached and we all filed in to the Maloka where the ceremony would commence. I sat next to my partner and got comfy and was in amazement and wonder as the ceremony began. I was completely fearless… more like a child sitting waiting for a gift to be delivered to me. I received the magical cup of ‘medicine’ and swallowed it back. The taste was intense and bitter and a bit tricky to hold down, but I managed it and snuggled in for what was to come.

As the night progressed my partner kept leaning over and asking me “Are you tripping yet?” I must admit, I was getting quite annoyed by this… one because the word tripping always struck a negative chord with me and two because he kept bothering me. One of the facilitators came over and asked how I was doing and if I felt the medicine yet. I mentioned I wasn’t quite sure and received a second dose of the medicine tea. Almost instantly after I drank it I started to feel it come on. I panicked and knocked on the floor for assistance. I mentioned how quickly the effects were starting to come on from the second cup and was worried that I may have overdosed. I was assured that I hadn’t and all I had to do was just relax and breathe.

Slowly as I breathed in and out an image started to appear behind the granulated pixels in my mind. A cartoon like picture frame with images of brown pencil lined tree trunks a front a yellow background appeared. Green moss hung lazily off the branches and just as I looked deeper with curiosity the picture went from a flat two dimensional image to a three dimensional space where I was in that moss forest walking through the trees and looking around. And then I heard it… “Are you tripping yet?” and BOOM, it was gone. I was out and back in the Maloka. I was pissed… and all of a sudden all this agitation came up from me and sweats and chills started to pour out of my body. I was panicking and I did not like how I was feeling. I called a facilitator and they started fanning me and after about 5 minutes it was over. I was back fully present and aware. I tucked myself deeper in to my mat and went to sleep.

The next day came and I was done. I wasn’t drinking the tea anymore though I knew there were 3 more ceremonies to go. I was convinces that the divine wisdom that everyone seeks was provided to me. I had to stop listening to everyone else and listen to my own truth. I was good right, I was done? I mean, that was pretty deep and profound right there.  Throughout the day people was telling me that I should drink and I kept saying, no, I’m good. Listening to my own truth and no one else. Fortunately, one very beautiful soul came to me and said don’t make the choice now for later. Come to the ceremony, sit with the medicine and make your choice then. Fare enough I thought and I proceeded to go to ceremony later that night.

Sitting on my mat a glass of the medicine was handed to me. I looked at it and as I sat with it I started to speak to this beautiful medicine. My heart opened, the tears flowed and the words came out. “I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. Please help me. I love you. Thank you.” And then I chugged it back. I noticed it was a much bigger dose than what I initially received… tricky, tricky.

 

To be continued….

Journey to Amazonia “Enter Mother Ayahuasca” Part 1

March 3, 2018 /

By Visionary Artist: Mauro Reátegui Perez

One day in January (2016) when I was really feeling at a low I came home to a surprise. I was at home preparing dinner and my partner came in the kitchen and said that he’d heard from a friend of a really great retreat center in the Jungles of Peru where you could drink Ayahuasca. He said he wanted to go and asked me if I wanted to come with him.

YES!!! This was it!!! Finally the Universe, God or whatever higher power that be was throwing me a bone. Here was a opportunity for us to get away… I mean really get away just the two of us. No family, or friends… just us alone and secluded. The PERFECT opportunity to rekindle our marriage and reignite the flames, at least that’s what I was hearing. So naturally I said YES!

I’d heard of Ayahuasca a couple of times. A tea that people drank in ceremony… that’s all I knew. What it did or how it worked I had no idea. But, when I would think of it I would imagine people dressed around fires dancing and making sacrifices like a scene from some voodoo or Santeria gathering… how wrong I was in that department. But, it was a retreat center and they had yoga, meditation, body and massage workers, etc. I would go and do all that wonderful stuff and be pampered like in the spas, not drink the Ayahuasca and focus on reigniting our marriage.

The next few days were glorious. We were looking up airline travel, organizing time-off from work and applying to the retreat center. There were some snags here and there with them being fully booked for the retreat we wanted to attend and hurdles were arising and I started to feel defeated. Then, one day later in the week everything aligned beautifully. There was a cancellation at the center and I was accepted, the next day another cancellation and my partner was accepted. Both our jobs granted our vacation requests, my mom and brother agreed to fly in and take care of our son while we were away and the the airline tickets aligned perfectly with it all. We were in and we were on our way. Come Mid-March we would be in Peru together and things would be alright.

The next month and a half I was bursting with excitement. I joined the yoga studio and did a couple classes to prepare for the yoga at the retreat center, I cleaned up my eating to align with the dietary standards required and found a certain level of peace inside with all the distractions of the To-Do’s and shopping needed for the trip which made my days tolerable. I did a small amount of research on Ayahuasca and how it worked, but I wasn’t going to the Jungle for Ayahuasca, was I. I was going on a romantic destination vacation to rekindle my marriage.

The day arrived and we were ready to go. With our arsenal of organic mosquito repellant, raincoats and jungle wear we were off to Lima where we would then catch another flight in to Pucallpa where our Amazonian journey would start. Before I go any deeper in to my own personal journey I’ll take a moment out and share what and how Ayahuasca works here… Divine Plant Medicine and Healer, Mother Ayahuasca. If you are already familiar with Mother Ayahuasca you can skip ahead to the second part of this journey here  Journey to Amazonia “Enter Mother Ayahuasca” Part 1

Resistance is futile…

March 3, 2018 /

Over the next three months life would be not quite what I thought it was going to be.

Yes, I made a choice to fight and to beat this heart-break of mine. To fix it all, save it all and make everyone happy… or so I thought. While my former partner at the time wanted to stay in our marriage he also wanted to open the door to letting other women in to his life and he continued to see this other woman as friends. I mean, who am I to tell him what he can or can not do. Who he can or can not have as friends and he assured me there was nothing going on, just a friendship.

So, what did I do? I entered in to a vicious cycle of crying a great flood of tears in front of my computer at work every day and when at home did everything I could to try and convince him that I was the one and only one he wanted to be with. I organized a weekend stay at a beachfront resort, thought up things that he would like to do, like go dancing on salsa night, started attending all his performances and shows (he was a hobby musician in a band) and tried to spice things up in the bedroom.

Even with all this going on he still continued and maintained and grow his friendship with her. He would think about her constantly. Chat with her and he wouldn’t with me. But, he kept saying he didn’t want to leave me. But, he wanted more. He wanted an open relationship  and all I wanted in return was for him to think of me, love me, commit to me and just be with me and our son.

Come Christmas and New Years I wasn’t in any better shape. As much as I tried to fight, control and fix everything it was all an illusion that was quickly crumbling. So I fought harder… Christmas came around and we went away on a family holiday. Surely here, where she wasn’t, we could really get things going. Surely now he would see what he was neglecting to see and love me and want to stay with me. But, nothing changed and the fear, stress, worry, guilt, shame, and fret just kept growing and growing and growing until I had a massive weight burdening down on my shoulders. I didn’t tell anyone… I was embarrassed and ashamed. I wasn’t enough… I wasn’t enough. And then, I didn’t want anyone to think poorly of my partner. He was lost, he didn’t know what he was doing. At least those were the excuses that I told myself.

Finally, I threw out a bargaining chip. I told him that if he really wanted an open relationship I would consider it and discuss it with him on one condition. That we fix our relationship first. We rebuild and strengthen our foundation so solidly and tightly and then we would go from there.  6 months… 6 months and our relationship would be so solid and grounded that he then wouldn’t want to consider an open marriage anymore…

And then came the Mother… my saving grace and the deepest, darkest space I couldn’t even ever fathomed to exist… the spaces within me that I discovered when I Journeyed to Amazonia… Enter Mother Ayahuasca

D-Day…

February 28, 2018 /

It’s November 1st 2015… this is a day I’ll never forget. It’s the day where I literally felt my life had fallen apart. Broken to pieces, torn to shreds… an inexplicable A-Bomb dropped on me from above. At least, that’s what I thought at the time. I was a 34 year-old woman, wife and mother to a beautiful 5 year-old son. I had two condos on the water, a job in corporate finance that paid really well and treated me really well, my son went to private school, we had a nanny, two cars, money in the bank, traveled plenty and was living in a tropical paradise. Sounds perfect, right? To many, yes it would and for a long time I thought it was too. But, in reality it was far from it. I was unhappy… to the core. I never admitted it though… how could I? I had an amazing family, life, job, home and LOTS of responsibilities. With all these blessings, how could I be unhappy. That would be selfish of me.

So what happened that led me to feel like the world fell apart at my feet on this day? I found out that my partner of 15 years was seeing another woman behind my back. I felt like the churning and stormy seas that I’d been treading in for so long finally swallowed me up. I was descending quickly to the depths of the deepest abyss with only a pin-hole of life on the surface left in sight. This was it… this was the end.

Heart breaking tears seared pathways down my face as I kept asking him why? Everything I ever did and had done was for him, my son, my family. All the sacrificing, worries, stresses and fears… all for the life I was trying to create and sustain for us. After a couple hours of the agonizing conversations and floods, my body was finally spent. My mind was a hot mess and my emotions that were running rampant were finally numb. I was utterly exhausted to the core and that last pin-hole of life on the surface of the sea was about to disappear.  One last breath and that would be it… I would be lost to the broken darkness that I was. And then as divine as ever I saw that I had a choice… a choice that I will never forget.

I HAD A CHOICE!!! For the first time in my life I can truly say that I realized that I had a choice… and I chose. I chose not to succumb to the darkness… I chose to use that last breath to pull and kick my way back up to the surface… to the light that even though was as tiny as a pin-prick was calling so lovingly and deeply to me. So I swam and from that day forward and and am now living and loving not in the depths of the darkest stormy seas, but in the deepest and divinest most loving light I’ve ever experienced.

What this meant at the time I did not know. I only knew that I wasn’t going down… I was choosing to rise up.  I was going to fix this! I could fix anything and everything, right? I was going to fix the marriage and life was going to be perfectly amazing… rainbows and butterflies were going to flourish from every corner of my existence and life was going to be better. I was choosing to finally ‘take control of my life.’ Boy did I have some learning to do from that!

So what happened next? Was it easy? Heck no! Those first few months leading up after were the most difficult spaces of ‘Time’ that I’d ever moved through. However, I choose to honour this day not because life fell apart on this day… but, because life really started for me on this day. I was in the start of an awakening… a labor of consciousness and in the process of birthing this new and incredible ME!

What was waiting for me around the corner on this journey was intense and the next steps I took on this path… boy did they lead me down in to some deep, dark, scary places.

And then came The Resistance

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